By Robert Rudelic BS, NMT, MES

One of my clients referred a friend who was really struggling to keep it together during her divorce. She was in survival mode by the time I spoke to her. She was overwhelmed, fearful and struggling to find something that would help her get through the divorce with her sanity and also get what she deserved from the marriage. Staying composed was a big problem since her husband knew how to push her buttons and did so intentionally to intimidate and control her as well as influence their three kids.

She was managing, or as she said “coping” with all the upheaval in her life by drinking and eating way too much and seeing a counselor. She had started taking anti-anxiety medication but it made her feel even worse. None of it was working. With so much on her plate, she felt less and less in control as each day passed and she was getting more fearful about her future.

Breaking It Down

Have you ever wondered why it is that some women so easily stand up for themselves and others cower in the face of confrontation or adversity? If your tendencies are to get frazzled and overreact it can be very difficult to change this behavior on your own. Scientific studies show that most of our decisions, actions, emotions and behavior depend on the 95% of brain activity that is beyond our conscious awareness, which means that 95 – 99% of our behavior comes from the programming in our subconscious mind.

Which One Do You Choose?
vic•tim – constant pessimistic attitude, suffering, coping, blaming others, unfairly treated, deserving of empathy, loss of control – these habits develop into lasting personality traits vic•tor – winning, being the captain of your own ship, mastering the art of emotional composure and owning an invincible mindset

Understanding the Roots of Beliefs – The Subconscious Mind

Our subconscious mind has been programmed from early childhood and beliefs are programmed before the brain has the ability to think critically. Many of our beliefs are formed in early years from what we see, hear and experience. At that time our critical thinking skills are not intact and there are no filters so there is no reason or even a way to question the mind programming that is taking place.

The understanding of this dates back to the Jesuits from 500 years ago when their leaders declared “give me a child until he’s seven years old and I will show you the man.” What that means is if you give me the first seven years of programming I will create what will happen. They somehow knew that no matter what the individual wanted, that it was the subconscious that was going to run the show anyway. So if I could program your subconscious I could control your fate.

In today’s environment a simple example could be that we grow up hearing things like “if you don’t study hard and get good grades in school you’ll never be successful and have a great career”. This then leads to growing up with the unconscious belief that you’re not capable of having a great career, or don’t deserve one because you didn’t do well in school.

Authority bias is the tendency to attribute greater accuracy to the opinion of an authority figure (unrelated to its content) and to be more influenced by that opinion.

Your childhood experiences undoubtedly play a huge role in programming your subconscious mind but it doesn’t stop there. As you get older and go to high school, college and enter the workforce, the more times you are influenced by a certain piece of information, or a way of thinking, especially if that information is coming from a person or source of perceived authority, the more likely it is that the subconscious mind will use that information, as opposed to less commonly encountered information, to form the beliefs that will govern your life and rob you of your ability to think for yourself.

It’s from these experiences that our beliefs, habits, and behaviors are formed. The conscious mind constantly communicates with the subconscious mind which is what provides us with the meaning to all our interactions with the world.

It’s when these unconscious habits prevent us from taking action to change what’s not working they become impediments to being a VICTOR and reinforces the victim mentality.

The subconscious mind is like a programmed computer. You can tell it over and over again to stop playing that same old song, but it will continue to play that same song until it’s reprogramed, and my PowerTapping toolset is like a super software program – with this toolset you can delete the old, obsolete operating system and download a new belief in minutes. When you install the new program you will be empowered and own the life changing skill of emotional composure. You’ll truly be In•vin•ci•ble: Too powerful to be defeated or overcome!

One of the greatest myths is that the lack of self-control and the inability to be assertive and empowered occurs to only those who exhibit low self-esteem or no self-confidence. This is not always true. In my experience, many of my clients are highly professional, clever, articulate women with decades of work history behind them, but when a break up or divorce happens and it feels like life is falling apart, no matter how strong, responsible and intelligent they may be, worry and fear can take over and the reaction to feeling paralyzed by uncertainty is now running the show.

The key is learning to stay composed, not only in volatile situations but on a moment to moment, day to day basis. When you can reduce the intensity of your emotional responses, you will own the moment and you’ll have taken control of your life. The tools you presently have may not be powerful enough to calm you down fast enough to keep your head on straight to make good decisions in the moment. You may need a better set of tools going forward.

When my new client began using the tools I taught her to stay composed by eliminating the buttons he was pushing, it made her feel confident in her decision making and hopeful for her future. It also really unnerved him. Everything he tried to get her “back in line” failed and by behaving this way he was exposing himself to everyone as a bully, people were viewing him as a complete jerk. When his attempts failed to “get to her” he became less aggressive and the process moved ahead with less drama.

What must happen is change must occur at the subconscious level not just at the conscious level. Counseling deals with the conscious level but your behavior comes from the unconscious level and is unaffected by talk therapy. The conscious mind and subconscious mind learn differently. You must change the programming in the subconscious mind to change your behavior.

The 3 things I taught my client about how to be an Invincible Divorcee and have an Invincible Mindset that had the biggest impact were:

  1. I had her make a short term and a long term plan on how she wanted child custody and visitation to be worked out. I had her focus on the specifics of what she felt was in the kids best interest as well as hers, as she would be their primary care giver. She also needed to make sure she maintained control of future interactions with firm legal boundaries set in place. Once she did this she saw his bullying and coercion in a completely different light.
  2. I taught her The 3 Minute Rant, a tool from my Invincible Mindset Tool Box that gave her the power to stay composed when she knew he was lying to her and not get triggered by his behavior any longer. It changed her perspective immediately and she was able to easily see through his lies and stay focused on getting what she wanted. After using The 3 Minute Rant for just 1 week she was excited that she had finally found something that produced real results – the kind of results she was looking for, and best of all – she could do it on her own, no therapist required. It truly was an empowering moment. She not only found it highly effective but was she was very surprised how fast it changed her behavior and how fun it was to do. She said “it brought a smile to my face whenever I did it!”
  3. Then for her day-to-day sanity I taught her a powerful meditation, breathing exercise called AAA Breathing (Abolish Anxiety Anytime) that quickly reduces feelings of fear and anxiety while increasing feelings of hope and self-confidence. In her case it gave her something she could do to keep her fear and anxiety to a dull roar and keep her mentally engaged so she could make good decisions throughout the break up.

If you feel like you’re losing everything remember that trees lose their leaves every year and they still stand tall and prepare for better days to come!

If You Want to Learn How to –

Go to www.InvincibleDivorcee.com

My Program is an experiential training that pays off immediately by teaching you how to quickly change your mindset putting you in full control. You’ll learn how to replace the old beliefs with new beliefs and lock them in permanently, be inspired, and own emotional composure. The results are life-changing!

For more information, visit our PowerTapping page.

Robert Rudelic, B.S., N.M.T., M.E.S.
San Francisco, CA 94107
Contact Us: www.RobertRudelic.com/contact
E-Mail: support@RobertRudelic.com

Schedule a coaching session

By Robert Rudelic BS, NMT, MES

All of the articles in this series:

Have You Been Abandoned and Betrayed?

Has your break up or divorce caught you off guard? Without notice, without discussion, he’s leaving – he took all of the joy you had about your marriage and threw it all away leaving you no time to plan or strategize about what you’re going to do. Has the sudden shock and confusion left you completely overwhelmed, filled with grief, fear and out of control anger? If this is happening to you, you’re certainly not alone!

Unfortunately, statistics show that in more than 90 percent of these cases, the men ran to other women, leaving you with a distorted reality along with an enormous sense of betrayal. How do you deal with the hit to self-esteem when you feel like you’ve been tossed aside, and how do you go from this life altering event to rebuilding your life and thriving – claiming this new opportunity to grow and experience things you never even imagined!

I believe it’s impossible to plan for the emotional trauma and personal upheaval that happens when a break up is put in motion. The biggest issue for most is they do not possess the tools to effectively deal with the emotional fires that need to be managed to keep your head on straight and stay emotionally composed.

Many people are aware of what’s referred to as “The Five Stages of Grief.” The problem is, most people that can name the Five Stages of Grief, never in a million years ever thought that they would be applying them to real life…not theirs anyway!

There is a vast difference between knowledge and knowing. You can sit in a classroom and study the facts and have a theoretical or practical understanding of a subject but that is not knowing. Knowledge is of the mind, knowing is of the being. Knowing is actually performing the task or action. You can have the knowledge but unless you’ve truly done it, you won’t “know”.

That’s a primary difference between psychotherapy and coaching. Knowledge and understanding the “whys” is nice and many people need to know the whys before moving forward, but all too often their drive to take action and resolve the issue for good stops there. They think knowledge solves it and it doesn’t. Psychotherapy is great at getting to the bottom of an issue and defining it but just circling around an issue without much forward progress is not the most effective way to get the desperately needed results they’re looking for.

Coaching works differently. Coaching can take any issue and break it down based on present behavior and the desired behavior going forward and get you there. Coaching is results orientated and in my coaching practice speed is essential. So, it comes down to the tools each approach has to make changes. You must have tools that produce a complete removal of beliefs and fears and also imprint new beliefs and behaviors that will be the only information available when the conscious mind refers to the subconscious for what to do.

If all you have is an understanding or “knowledge” of the roots of your beliefs that effect your emotions, which in turn influences your behavior, but don’t erase (or know how to erase) old beliefs and replace them with new beliefs you’re always vulnerable to getting triggered (by your husband and others) and fall back into old behaviors that sabotage you.

The emotional result is a feeling of anger and defeat, asking your-self “how come I got triggered and lost it when I spent so much time working on not getting triggered?” It’s the tools. There are tools now that erase and replace quickly and you’re in charge of the process. You’re fully aware of what you’re replacing the old beliefs with. Talk about feeling truly empowered!!!!! It’s time to end the cycle of drugs and talk therapy. I want you to wake up and go to sleep fully engaged in making the best version of yourself ever! Once you erase and replace, you move on – never having to readdress the issue again!

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance are the 5 most recognized stages of grief and one doesn’t move smoothly from one stage to the other. There is often no beginning, middle or end for each stage and most stages can repeat several times.

This is unfortunate especially when the intensity of the stage may feel the same every time. That’s because talking pharmaceutical drugs, exercise, yoga, meditation, the usual suspects only calm you down and help you understand, but when you apply the new tools available now to address these stages you’ll feel a noticeable lessening in intensity each time you get angry or feel disappointed sad or depressed. After a short time of using effective tools you’ll move on from the 5 stages and start taking action, move forward and begin creating your new life with confidence and optimism.

Some people think that attempting to manage your emotional recovery during and after divorce is ill-timed, “just give yourself a break” they say. You will move through recovery at your own pace, angry one week, in denial the next and you’ll come to the point of acceptance, hopefully sooner than later.

If you let this take its own time you may never fully recover. You’ll likely keep some emotional baggage that will sabotage your new relationships. It can change your personality forever. I believe you can take charge of the process and not just “let it happen.” All too often we are surrounded by people with their own baggage and will reinforce experiences and beliefs that don’t work well for you moving forward.

The Emotional Stages of Grieving Your Divorce:

Denial

There’s nothing like moving through a hurricane and pretending all is well with the world. Denial is your psyches way of protecting you from becoming emotionally overwhelmed. Denial is a useful coping mechanism, but after a while refusing to face reality becomes a very undesirable characteristic.

This is where a brutally honest personal assessment can be highly enlightening. I teach my clients to do this assessment on their own first, then with a group of only their closest friends to get their perspective. The way to do this is to start with the viewpoint that it’s a 50/50 proposition – meaning no issue or situation is 100% one persons’ fault. After honestly assessing all aspects of what’s happening and realizing that there are some shortcomings on your end, things that you could have done differently or better, it’s likely you’ll get angry at yourself and retreat to denial. Denial often provides a temporary escape from your pain and provides an unrealistic sense of hope and even blindness to reality.

Anger

The Huffington Post published a very fitting article quoting a woman expressing the anger stage. “I visited the anger stage often and my ex took a bashing. Seriously, when your world is falling down around you who better to blame for all your problems than a crazy ex-husband? If the car battery died, guess who I blamed? If it rained on a day I had planned to go the beach, it was his fault. I had no role in any adversity that came my way!

During the anger phase he became the worst lover I had ever had, ugly beyond description, a slob, a wimp…my anger did a number on him and his character. My advice about the Anger Stage – have at it! As long as there are no little ears to hear your disparaging and insulting remarks about your ex feel free to let out all the pent up anger you stuffed during the Denial Stage.”

Remember though – unresolved anger can be very harmful to your health. Known effects are headaches, problems with digestion, insomnia, increased anxiety, depression, skin problems such as eczema and a higher risk of heart disease and stroke.

The anger stage is scary for many women……..at first. They don’t want to feel this way, it’s unbecoming, it’s a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of lacking self-control, but holding it back is the worst thing you can do. Here’s where a little understanding and a high impact tool can be incredibly empowering.

With this understanding you can effectively apply a tool I call the 3 Minute Rant and take an emotionally explosive situation and disarm it in minutes. You’ll never respond the same way or with the same intensity ever again. This is where you’ll develop unshakable emotional composure and start developing your Invincible Mindset.

Bargaining

In this stage you will attempt to repair and undo the damage done to your life. Bargaining is when you stop and say, “oh dear, I can’t handle this emotionally. I’ll negotiate anything with him, I’ll turn myself inside if need be but I can’t go through this.”

It is an attempt to put on the brakes, stop that runaway train and get your “life” back. It might not have been a great life but it was a hell of a lot better than what you are experiencing now. The Huffington Post article continued with this – “during the bargaining stage my ex was the best lover I had ever had. I missed his beautiful face and his manly demeanor. He was God’s gift and I wanted him back.”

Bargaining is a last ditch attempt at coming to terms with the divorce. It’s during this stage where you will begin to pursue your husband. You want him back at all costs to you and your self-esteem. The thing to remember is; he will also go through the Bargaining Stage. If he’s made a mistake he will realize it and undo that which he’s set in motion.

The bargaining stage if often a transition point between the intense stages of anger and depression. It can be a cooling off period between these two extremes in which you can focus on something that makes you feel as if you still have a little control in your life.

Depression

You’ll be in bed or in front of the television for most of this stage. Sadness, debilitating sadness becomes your constant companion. This is the one stage we all expect. We know that depression is going to hit, what we don’t realize is that depression can go hand in hand with all the stages of grief.

You may not bathe for three days during the Denial Stage. Hair care takes a back seat during the Anger Stage. Even though you may have surrounded yourself with a support system of family and friends, you are squarely in the present and dealing with the constant reminder of all that you’ve lost and how your life has changed.

There is a better way to eliminate the toxic emotions that engulf you.

Acceptance

You’ll love this stage. When it hits you’ll throw your head back and laugh. There is light at the end of the tunnel and life ahead. You’ve moved through adversity and learned from it. Full steam ahead!

Be warned though, acceptance doesn’t mean you don’t still have negative emotions about your divorce. You may still feel some anger; there may still be sadness at the loss of your marriage.

You’ve learned to “accept” the reality of the situation. You may have feelings of regret over the loss of your marriage BUT … its regret you can live with. You are no longer stuck in the grief…if you’re lucky you are no longer grieving. If there are still feelings of grief they are at least no longer holding you back from living life.

There is one last stage that makes it worth the journey. It’s the new beginnings stage where all your plans start to become real, where things start getting easier and things that you never thought possible start becoming possible! More than that, you start planning for it to happen and it will!

It takes the right focus, the right tools and the ability to persevere to make your break up an opportunity of a lifetime.

If You Want to Learn How to –

Go to www.InvincibleDivorcee.com

My Program is an experiential training that pays off immediately by teaching you how to quickly change your mindset putting you in full control. You’ll learn how to replace the old beliefs with new beliefs and lock them in permanently, be inspired, and own emotional composure. The results are life-changing!

For more information, visit our PowerTapping page.

Robert Rudelic, B.S., N.M.T., M.E.S.
San Francisco, CA 94107
Contact Us: www.RobertRudelic.com/contact
E-Mail: support@RobertRudelic.com

Schedule a coaching session

By Robert Rudelic BS, NMT, MES

All of the articles in this series:

Are you struggling to face the overwhelming emotions connected to your current reality? Are you telling yourself “this isn’t happening?”

de·ni·al – the action of declaring something to be untrue.

Denial – when you do not or just cannot accept the facts that cause grief and all the related negative emotions associated with it. When faced with extreme distress, it’s natural to reject its existence to protect your mind from shock. This is a mental coping technique that serves as the first emotional line of defense to feeling that this just cannot be happening to me – it’s all a mistake. Denial is actually there to cushion the blow of a new reality and helps you navigate through the fog so you can make it through the day.

Often when living in a state of denial it’s easy to convince yourself that you’re actually living in reality. However, denial is a defense mechanism and can have some positive results. Frequently denial works–at least for a short while–and that is why it is so often resorted to.

Some of the positive effects of denial include:

The operative word in all of the above is "in the short-term." Denial is simply a way to integrate your experience by providing a variety of filters for pain and a mechanism for self-deception to deny reality.

The damaging effects of long-term denial:

Denial is a defense mechanism that discharges anxiety and emotional discomfort. By denying there’s a problem you don’t have to feel bad about the fact that there’s a problem. Unfortunately this doesn’t solve anything or make life better. It just sweeps the problems under the rug. They’re still there, still gnawing at you and still getting in your way and causing you to sabotage yourself. Even though denial can often alleviate the short-term pain, in the long run it can prevent you from making positive changes and can result in potentially destructive consequences.

The first step in overcoming self-sabotaging behaviors is to first recognize the behaviors that are a result of your denial – and that denial in itself is one of the most powerful, known self-sabotaging behaviors.

Recognize that you’re unusually stressed, anxious, short with people and bad-tempered. Your mind knows something’s wrong and this is how it tells you you’re afraid of something and you’re not directly confronting the cause, but you must acknowledge it. Admitting it is not necessarily going to ease your pain – at least not right away. But, you can’t start to heal and move forward while your head is buried in the sand.

Moving past denial is often just a matter of time. As you gradually become more emotionally ‘aware’ of what has happened, the denial will start to wear away. There is no set time for moving past denial, and you may still have moments where you think “this is really not happening”, but the sooner you take responsibility the better chance you have of not becoming stuck in this dangerous stage.

Denial is a coping mechanism that helps alleviate stress and gives you time to organize your thoughts and create a plan of action.

In the short term its effective but it needs to be moved through very quickly because in the long term it distorts your reality and keeps you from making necessary plans to deal with the situation. It also leads to poor decisions and getting run over and victimized because the other person is moving forward without your pushback. The risk is feeling bitter, angry and resentful in the end. Now how does denial sound to you?

To quickly move through the denial stage…

You need a tool that has the ability to eliminate the fear of getting real with yourself and changing your perception of the situation. This process will do the trick.

1 – Write out what’s happening to you and all the things that are going to change in your life. Be broad and thorough. Include changes in your life, your kid’s life and changes in friendships and family as well. For some this may take courage because it involves admitting it’s over … SO BE BOLD AND JUST START WRITING! Examples to think about; kids daily routines, family events, holidays, birthdays, friendship changes – some will drop off some will stay. Who is who, in-laws, contact or no contact, living environment, will it be the same and so on.

2 – Write out what happens if I do nothing, you just resist the changes. Get into a resistant, rebellious mindset and write. There could be some pluses and minuses – START WRITING. This step often gives your mind a counter argument that will enable you to get engaged.

3 – Make 2 lists. The 1st list is what you need to do to engage. Be very clear of who you need in your corner to feel safe so you’ll get what you want. The 2nd list is what you want from taking action to move this break up forward – this could be material assets, personal and lifestyle changes.

4 – Get busy. It’s best to do this all in one sitting. Get it all out on paper – it can be added to later.

Do it ON PAPER!! Writing opens your mind up in ways typing doesn’t and gives you access to thoughts and memories that will make a difference in moving forward and getting the most out of this process. This is why journaling is best done in written form so says Harvard University and I agree.

 

Courage is taking action in spite of fear

SO JUMP IN!

Next, go to the second blog post in the series – Divorce: Stage 2 – Anger

If You Want to Learn How to –

Go to www.InvincibleDivorcee.com

My Program is an experiential training that pays off immediately by teaching you how to quickly change your mindset putting you in full control. You’ll learn how to replace the old beliefs with new beliefs and lock them in permanently, be inspired, and own emotional composure. The results are life-changing!

For more information, visit our PowerTapping page.

Robert Rudelic, B.S., N.M.T., M.E.S.
San Francisco, CA 94107
Contact Us: www.RobertRudelic.com/contact
E-Mail: support@RobertRudelic.com

Schedule a coaching session

By Robert Rudelic BS, NMT, MES

All of the articles in this series:

Do you often think other people create your anger? Is your anger conquering you and do you tell yourself your anger is justified?

an·ger – a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.

Anger is a key component of grieving because you are now beginning to realize that anger is fear, at its roots. It is simply one side of the fight or flight response. No matter which direction you choose to go, the underlying message of the brain is the same: You are in danger and your defenses must be mobilized. Reinterpreting anger as fear will allow you to get to the bottom of the issue faster instead of getting sidetracked in exhausting resentments which make you hostile, irritable and generally unpleasant to be around.

The anger stage is easily recognized. Anger may be directed at your partner, a third party, or even at yourself but it is not immediately apparent that this anger is actually part of the grieving process. Generally, grieving is associated with sadness but it’s a bit more complex than that.

The anger stage of grieving can also give you the strength and energy to face the logistical challenges that present themselves as a result of the separation. This may include becoming a single parent, a single breadwinner, continuing in essential routines connected to both roles, etc. However, while there was an initial survival benefit of this response, it is also important to recognize that the benefit wanes over time.

It might be better to think of anger as a state rather than a stage. A stage is often seen as a phase that leads to another phase or ultimately the end result. It would be better to see anger as a “state” during the grieving process where your immediate circumstances or conditions are such that anger might easily be the response. Anger is also a chemical (neuro-peptide) that creates the physical response you feel when you’re triggered and you can become addicted to it. You see examples of this all the time in people who always seem angry or upset about something or are “hot tempered”. Their addiction causes them to constantly look for reasons to be angry so they can experience that chemical release in the brain to feed their addiction.

Some of the positive effects of anger include:

The damaging effects of long-term anger:

Scientists report that the impact of anger on the body is profound, whether it is expressed or suppressed. Angry people often have a more reactive sympathetic nervous system than do others. Their bodies tend to produce abnormally high levels of stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol whenever they feel someone is critical of them or things are not going their way. Those hormones can stimulate a wide spectrum of effects such as, high blood pressure and the increased risk of a stroke, insomnia, supressed thyroid function, decreases bone density, as well as shuts down your ability to think clearly, problem solve and be decisive.

Some angry individuals also have an underactive parasympathetic nervous system that fails to produce the common hormone acetylcholine, which normally turns off the harsh effects of adrenaline leaving you feeling exhusted and in a state of overwhelm.

Over time, too much adrenaline and too little acetylcholine can lead to a host of problems: The arteries grow stiffer and the heart weakens; the liver and kidneys are damaged; and too much fat is released into the bloodstream, raising cholesterol.

Scientists say the more a person is habitually angry, the more the body will pump out damaging stress hormones, but recognizing irrational anger at the outset and having the right tools to cope with it, you’ll be able to block the cascade of stress hormones before it tumbles out of control.

Anger is a state and it’s also a chemical that you can get addicted to just like cocaine or heroin. It’s vitally important to have high impact tools to get you out of the state of anger as fast as possible because you can quickly become addicted to being angry. If you linger in anger for too long, over time your personality will change and this can lead to being a bitter, angry, cynical person nobody wants to be around.

Just recognizing when your angry is not enough to short circuit your state of mind because the bomb already went off, you lost composure and the damage is done.

Knowing what makes you angry can be helpful but only if you have the tools to greatly reduce the intensity of your reaction when you get triggered, and better yet, change your response to the trigger before it happens. Giving you more emotional composure and helping you become emotionally resilient is what I want for you.

This is an easy exercise I teach as part of my Invincible Divorcee program that will do just that.

I hope you’ve already started a journal as I suggested in the first blog article on Denial, if not start now!

1 – List all the things that make you angry or trigger you right now about the break up, nothing is too small.

2 – Prioritize them based on which ones come up most often then…

3 – Close your eyes and visualize a situation where the 1st one comes up a lot. Run it in your mind like a short movie and observe how your anger is triggered and how your anger is intensified. Really focus on your behavior, how you react and how your responses cause it to play out.

4 – Make notes on where you could change your approach or your verbal comebacks so you can stay in control and keep the situation from intensifying. Be creative; write all of your ideas down before judging them.

5 – Then replay the movie with the changes you’ve come up with. Repeat the process until you physically and mentally feel composed while you’re going through the visualization and feel satisfied with the outcome.

Keep in mind when you visualize you’re rehearsing and it’s as real as if you’re really there. Athletes practice visualization all of the time and the ones who do it the most are the most successful.

Be patient with yourself, getting control of your anger takes time and practice. Rehearsing gives you the time needed to think through how you want to present yourself before things get heated and your brain shuts off. This will lower your risk of losing your composure.

 

Release the self-destructive feeling of anger-

UNLOCK IT

Next, go to the third blog post in the series – Divorce: Stage 3 – Bargaining

If You Want to Learn How to –

Go to www.InvincibleDivorcee.com

My Program is an experiential training that pays off immediately by teaching you how to quickly change your mindset putting you in full control. You’ll learn how to replace the old beliefs with new beliefs and lock them in permanently, be inspired, and own emotional composure. The results are life-changing!

For more information, visit our PowerTapping page.

Robert Rudelic, B.S., N.M.T., M.E.S.
San Francisco, CA 94107
Contact Us: www.RobertRudelic.com/contact
E-Mail: support@RobertRudelic.com

Schedule a coaching session

By Robert Rudelic BS, NMT, MES

All of the articles in this series:

Are you attempting to alter the past by asking yourself “if only” questions in a bid to try and change the inevitable?

bar·gain·ing – negotiate the terms and conditions of a transaction.

Bargaining is really an attempt to postpone; it has to include a prize offered "for good behavior". It also sets a self-imposed "deadline" and it includes an implicit promise that the person will not ask for more if this one desire is granted. During the bargaining stage of grief, the grieving person starts making bargains – If I do this, will you take away the loss? It is often a need to regain control over the feelings of helplessness and vulnerability. Thoughts like, if only I had paid better attention to what was going on or, if only I had been more sympathetic, etc. It’s a time when deal making is an attempt to push back the unavoidable. This is a weaker line of cover for protection from the painful loss.

It’s easy to become lost in a maze of “If only” or “What if” statements. The bargaining stage of grief starts as a form of a temporary truce. You want your life to go back to what it was and go back in time.

Guilt is often a companion in the bargaining stage of grief. You may tend to beat yourself up and think about what you could have done differently. You may even try to negotiate with the pain. You’ll do anything to not to feel the pain but trying to negotiate your way out of the hurt in the bargaining stage of grief, you’ll remain in the past.

You may think that the bargaining stage may last for weeks or months. But you should remember that these stages of grief are the responses to your feelings and grief. There is no set pattern to slip in or out of any stage. You may feel one, then another and back again to the first one of these different stages of grief.

Bargaining is a last ditch attempt to try to control your life so things will go your way. This phase of grief is often the briefest of all the stages. It is the final effort to hold onto what is important or if it has already been lost, then to find some way to ease the pain.

Bargaining is very human—it may even be a necessary part of the grief process; it is not, however the way one automatically alters events.

Some of the positive effects of bargaining include:

The damaging effects of staying stuck in bargaining:

Staying stuck in the bargaining stage you may feel yourself slipping further and further into the sadness that accompanies grief. The bargaining stage often includes feelings of guilt and remorse that can quickly lead to depression. There may be attempts to try and continue a marital connection. Desperate promises and unrealistic attempts at reconciliation. Sometimes being stuck in bargaining occurs when former partners behave as if they have a right to be “key players” in each others’ lives.

Keep in mind, when the relationship has ended, neither partner has the right to be a major part in the other’s life, except for shareing the responsibilities of co-parenting their children.

Being stuck in the bargaining phase prevents achieving the emotional clean break necessary to move forward and focus on your future.

This phase is where you can modulate the intensity of your situation by making deals to get your soon to be ex to be more reasonable or cooperative.

The Bargaining Stage is where you can find a middle ground and test how flexible your ex will be.

The Bargaining Stage is where you can test how much you can trust your ex as you move into negotiations about the hard stuff.

The Bargaining Stage is a chance to keep the break up process moving forward and to minimize hurting each other further.

Warning: Bargaining for the sake of tranquility alone will only lead to more bargaining and an undermining of your confidence and self-esteem. Bargains must have a purpose and be win-win to succeed.

The Bargaining Stage is best done after a lot of thought has gone into what exactly you want in the end. When you hit a snag, keep those things in focus and only make bargains that help you achieve what you want to get in the end and keep the intensity of the situation civil. Remember strength with kindness leads to win-win outcomes.

There is no one-way to make bargains, every person and every situation is different. This is how I help ensure any bargains that are made are successful.

1 – Prioritize what’s important to you in the end and think through what you think he wants in the end. Bargains are a softer way to negotiate; you want to know what your bargaining chips are and what his might be.

2 – You must have an overall plan and focus all of your bargains and decisions towards making your plan work out.

3 – Don’t commit right away unless you are getting what you want. Take your time, be kind and let him know you appreciate his willingness to bargain and that you might need to think about it overnight. Make sure you give him a time (within 24 hours or less if possible) you’ll decide by and stick to it!

It will build trust and give you time to think it through and amend the bargain if needed, remember it’s a mini negotiation.

A lot of bargains are quick and easy, just make sure they work for you.

The issue I come across the most in helping women through this phase is fear of confrontation. In my course I have some great tools to eliminate this as a consideration forever. This process above is a key work-though and it can be effective in many areas of your life … so use it!

 

Reject the feelings of helplessness –

TAKE BACK YOUR POWER

Next, go to the fourth blog post in the series – Divorce: Stage 4 – Depression

If You Want to Learn How to –

Go to www.InvincibleDivorcee.com

My Program is an experiential training that pays off immediately by teaching you how to quickly change your mindset putting you in full control. You’ll learn how to replace the old beliefs with new beliefs and lock them in permanently, be inspired, and own emotional composure. The results are life-changing!

For more information, visit our PowerTapping page.

Robert Rudelic, B.S., N.M.T., M.E.S.
San Francisco, CA 94107
Contact Us: www.RobertRudelic.com/contact
E-Mail: support@RobertRudelic.com

Schedule a coaching session

By Robert Rudelic BS, NMT, MES

All of the articles in this series:

Are you spiraling downward in a loop of negative thoughts constantly worrying about what you’ve lost and how to survive it?

de·pres·sion – feelings of severe despondency and dejection.

Depression is a disorder involving low mood and a wide range of other possible symptoms, which can vary from person to person. It can develop quickly or gradually, and be brought on by life events and/or changes in body chemistry, and it is often accompanied by feelings of anxiety. It can strike anyone, but can be especially intense when going through a break up or divorce. It’s not uncommon that you could experience some degree of situational depression as part of the normal grieving process over all the losses the end of a relationship brings.

Depression affects how you feel, think, and act and is different from normal feelings of sadness. Suffering from depression can cause a lack of energy, diminished interest in daily activities and feeling irritable and short-tempered most of the time.

What is situational depression?

A great description posted in Behavioral Health – “Situational depression is a short-term form of depression that can occur in the aftermath of various traumatic changes in your normal life, including divorce, retirement, job loss, or the death of a relative or close friend. Doctors sometimes refer to the condition as adjustment disorder.

A person with situational depression may have symptoms that are more or less identical to someone with clinical depression; however, there are certain key differences. Situational depression occurs when you haven’t yet adapted to the changes brought about by these situations and incorporated them into your overall life experiences.”

Situational depression symptoms develop within roughly 90 days following the event that triggers the condition. Along with the symptoms mentioned above –

Symptoms of situational depression include:

The damaging effects of staying stuck in depression:

If you’re suffering from depression you run the risk that your brain will shrink and will remain smaller over time. Depression not only makes you feel sad and dejected – it can also damage the brain permanently, so you’ll have difficulties remembering and concentrating. It is well known that chronic stress can provoke depression. Scientific studies show an explanation for this phenomenon…

“Stress reduces the brain’s innate ability to keep itself healthy. As a result, the hippocampus – a vital part of the brain – shrinks, impacting negatively on both our short-term memory function and your learning abilities. Being easily stressed which in turn creates a susceptibility towards depression, gives an imbalance in the serotonin system and thus a greater risk of developing depression.”

You can conquer depression, boost your brain and eliminate stress – and remember – The Right Tools For The Job Cuts The Work In Half!

Depression and situational depression are both serious conditions and only separated by depth and length of time.

How fast it comes on, how deep or intense it becomes and how long it lasts largely depends on how well you manage stress and your emotions in the beginning stages. Depression can come on very quickly for some and the longer you stay in a depressed state the more long-term damage will be done.

There are things you can do to keep from getting depressed and also to get yourself out of being depressed. I address both in-depth in other blog articles and in my digital training products.

There are some things you can do right away that will have a big impact and keep you on the bright side of life.

Things to do to avoid falling into depression include:

1 – Wall yourself off from your “helpful friends” – those people who want to console you and that tell you everything will be alright. It won’t be unless you get off your butt, make a plan and take action. These people are also known as enablers or co-dependents. They mean well but only make your situation worse and stifle your recovery.

2 – Make a long term plan (12-18 months out) for what you want to have in your life when your break up or divorce is final. Then find someone to be your Accountability Partner. Make sure they are strong enough to keep you on track when you may not want to. Share with them your plan and your plan of action, have bench marks and a timeline. A plan will help you look past the self-doubt and get out of the pity party going on in your head and your accountability partner will keep you on track.

3 – Take massive action. Nothing staves off depression more effectively than taking action, getting busy and seeing results. Results are King, they are tangible and undeniable. Your accountability partner will be there to point that out. Staying busy also eliminates any tendencies of dropping back into a downward depressive cycle.

Things you can to do to recover faster from being depressed:

1 – Exercise, now this is not news to most people but exercise is the #1 suggestion in most protocols to get rid of depression. It is a high impact tool for situational depression and works almost immediately for most people.

2 – Twice a day take 5 minutes to be grateful. Being grateful is not knew either but I developed a powerful exercise that works quickly to change your physical state and your mindset.

The Gratitude Exercise – State something your grateful for and why, say thank you 3 times then move on to the next thing you’re grateful for. Repeat this 9 more times. Do this out-loud and with a lot of emotion (even if you have to manufacture the emotion).

3 – Here’s a buffet of impactful things you can choose from to assist you in recovery: immerse yourself in learning something new, volunteer, clean up your diet and avoid alcohol and marijuana (yup -marijuana for many is a strong trigger for depression).

Keep this in mind, depression is addictive, it’s a chemical addiction just like anger. So interrupting it and doing something that changes your state as fast as possible is vital. PowerTapping is the primary tool I use in all of my work to create massive change quickly and completely. It is the easiest and most powerful tool to avoid getting depressed and recover from it. More on PowerTapping later.

 

End the cycle of negativity and misery –

And Thrive

Next, go to the fifth blog post in the series – Divorce: Stage 5 – Acceptance

If You Want to Learn How to –

Go to www.InvincibleDivorcee.com

My Program is an experiential training that pays off immediately by teaching you how to quickly change your mindset putting you in full control. You’ll learn how to replace the old beliefs with new beliefs and lock them in permanently, be inspired, and own emotional composure. The results are life-changing!

For more information, visit our PowerTapping page.

Robert Rudelic, B.S., N.M.T., M.E.S.
San Francisco, CA 94107
Contact Us: www.RobertRudelic.com/contact
E-Mail: support@RobertRudelic.com

Schedule a coaching session

By Robert Rudelic BS, NMT, MES

All of the articles in this series:

Are you now over letting your past and emotional wounds control you? Emotional freedom is at your fingertips…

ac·cept·ance – the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered.

Accepting your new reality does not mean that you necessarily feel good or right about the loss of your previous way of life. This stage is about accepting the fact that you’re living a new reality and how this new reality will impact your life and relationships. Acceptance does not mean that you slip back into denial – pretending that none of this has happened. Acceptance means embracing the present – both good and bad – in order to shape the future. It does not mean that you no longer can think about your past, out of sight does not have to mean out of mind. It’s important to reflect upon the good times you had with your partner.

New priorities are now on your plate and as you begin to take ownership of your new responsibilities and work toward accomplishing tasks, you will feel a sense of pride in the results. Near the end of the acceptance stage, you will find yourself beginning to actually look forward to a promising new future.

Be aware that the past is past; it’s time to live in the present, and even though the future is perhaps still a bit unknown, it’s time to start preparing yourself to step forward into the future.

You are in control and get to define “moving on” – no one can determine that for you. It’s time to completely let go of your remaining feelings of blame, resentment and regret and by doing so you will truly experience the freedom to move forward.

It’s then – when you begin the process to stop and reflect, turn inward and do the work on yourself that you’ll experience dramatic and positive changes in your life.

When you begin the inner work you will realize things that have been unresolved for years. You become more conscious of your behavior and your choices. You become aware of the subconscious and how it can run your life and how you can quickly – with the right tools change a negative pattern to a positive one, release the emotional wounds that flare up when triggered and create extraordinary changes.

Some of the positive effects of acceptance include:

The damaging effects of staying stuck in acceptance:

You can’t stay suck in this stage forever – life must go on – you must be willing to change. Change is the only way to grow and progress into the person you want to become.

Being afraid of change can be devastating to your progress. What if you are ready to make an exciting positive change in your life, when suddenly you feel it: the cold, iron grip of uncertainty. Even though part of you is excited about the possibility of change, there’s another part that’s attached to your present reality, comfortable with inaction – stopping any forward movement.

Instead of feeling a sense of joyful anticipation about the prospect of change, you might feel paralized by fear. There are so many questions: Am I really doing the right thing? Will I be overwhelmed by my new situation and decide that I’m just not up to its challenges? What if I fail?

When you keep an open mind and are willing to change, you are then able to grow into the person you want to become.

Acceptance for some can feel like compromise or an admittance you made mistakes and screwed up.

Acceptance can be a lingering state of uncertainty or a jumping off point of excitement. It’s easy to go from state to state feeling hopeful one moment and angry the next.

It’s easier to accept what’s happened and how it turned out when you have a real plan that’s been put into action and already taken root. You’ve already made the bargains needed to bridge the gap between where you were to where you are going. You came to realize being angry is not a functional way to get things done and you’ve already decided being stalled in depression is not how you want to feel for the rest of your life.

It’s time to move from Acceptance to Ownership.

Taking ownership means you hold yourself accountable for all of your actions both positive and negative and how you handled yourself during the transition.

Taking ownership is really taking responsibility for your life. It will accelerate your growth and development as an individual. Acceptance is not ownership, its ownership lite and that does not make you feel as powerful or confident in your-self as ownership does.

Here is a powerful exercise to make ownership real in your body/mind:

1 – Make a list of your mistakes, all of them that you made during your break up. Then – go through each mistake one by one, say it out loud while continuously tapping around your Left Ear (from front to back) then end it with saying “I’ve learned from my mistake and it’s made me a stronger, better person” and say that with emotion!

2 – Make a list of your triumphs, all of them, things you did well during your break-up, be thorough and include even the smallest wins. Then – go through each triumph one by one, say it out loud while continuously tapping around your Right Ear (from front to back) and end it with saying “I deeply love and accept myself, I’ve done a great job” and say that with emotion!

The exercise erases the old beliefs and replaces them with powerful new beliefs about your-self that reinforce your new life decisions. The exercise is from my body of work called PowerTapping and it’s a life changer. More on PowerTapping later.

 

Your new life is on the horizon –

ENJOY YOUR FREEDOM

If You Want to Learn How to –

Go to www.InvincibleDivorcee.com

My Program is an experiential training that pays off immediately by teaching you how to quickly change your mindset putting you in full control. You’ll learn how to replace the old beliefs with new beliefs and lock them in permanently, be inspired, and own emotional composure. The results are life-changing!

For more information, visit our PowerTapping page.

Robert Rudelic, B.S., N.M.T., M.E.S.
San Francisco, CA 94107
Contact Us: www.RobertRudelic.com/contact
E-Mail: support@RobertRudelic.com

Schedule a coaching session